Have you ever ----
by CrazyAbout
Summary: I have never been able to accept that Harry would have given up as easily as he did when Ruth rejected his proposal, especially as the writers then had them getting closer in Series 9. This 4 chapter fic is my attempt to right the wrongs and add some cheer to our lives as we head into a New year. The title is a song by Club 7, I heard on a H/R video which is lovely.
1. Chapter 1

Over the years, he had been brainwashed into coping with the loss, as colleague after colleague had died in the name of the greater good. There was no room for grief he had told himself, as three days after Ros's funeral he dragged himself into work to rebuild his shattered team. It had been a bitterly cold and truly awful few days with his unplanned trip to Scotland, to right the wrong that Nicolas Blake, betrayer and traitor had heaped upon his section and more importantly on the country he fought so hard to protect. He had always bounced back god knows how, but this time he was far from certain.

What he couldn't accept but more importantly didn't know how to cope with, was the fact that she had said no. Move on he had told her, we move on from this, impossible though he knew it was. He had been so sure that she would say yes as they had grown closer, dependant on each other even, but as usual he should have thought it through rather than just blurt it out. He should have told her that he loved her, but no he hadn't and as always when it came to her, he had messed it up.

Nicholas Blake was dead, he had no regrets about that, other than the fact they she would know that he had been involved. Maybe she was right not to accept him after all the dreadful things that he had done and quite likely would still do, but it didn't stop the dreadful ache and the need he had for her, something that he knew would never leave him, despite his efforts to make it otherwise. Oblivion was what he wanted and that was what he had found. Taking a taxi home from the station, he unplugged his phone, turned off his mobile and having drunk the best part of a bottle of whisky, he dragged himself upstairs to bed.

Ruth had sat at home, her mind in turmoil after Harry's unexpected proposal. She had picked up and put down her phone for the best part of two days as she tried to find the right words to say to him. She had seen the dreadful hurt and confusion in his eyes when she had told him that they couldn't be closer than they were right now. Who in their right mind said that in response to a proposal from someone that they were in love with, albeit that his supposed reasons for wanting to marry her were ridiculous. Going into work on Monday was her biggest concern. With Ros now gone and Lucas away, she, Harry and Tariq would be the only core staff until Lucas and Dimitri came back. It would be almost impossible for her to avoid Harry, in fact there could well be hours during the day when they would be the only two on the grid.

William Towers had been pacing the floor of his new office as he waited for his meeting with legendary Harry Pearce. If rumours were correct and he was sure that they were, then Harry was the one person that he needed to impress, even though the likelihood of achieving this seemed slim. Countless Home Secretaries had come and gone during the time that Harry had been head of Section D, the last of which had been blown up quite spectacularly followed very quickly by his predecessor who had suffered a heart attack. Job security seemed unlikely he thought, perhaps he should also check the terms of his life insurance.

'I do hope that we're going to get on Sir Harry,' he said as he shook the hand of the man who looked far more confident at being in his office than he himself felt.

The niceties over, Harry went on to update him on what he presumed to be the latest crisis although Harry seemed to infer that it was an everyday occurrence, telling him that his section head was currently on a tanker in the North Atlantic tracking Europe's top Al-Qaeda suspect. Following it up with the suggestion that to increase his popularity as the new Home Secretary, he should reintroduce slavery and invade Belgium, Towers considered the real possibility, that Harry Pearce was taking the piss.

Promising to keep him updated, Harry turned to go.

'My resignation,' he said, handing Towers an envelope.

Gathering his thoughts together, he realised that his tenure would be even shorter than his predecessors, were he to tell the PM that the head of counter terrorism had resigned during their first meeting.

'I know the recent death of your section head has proved difficult, but I think we need to pop this into a drawer and let it percolate.' said Towers proffering Harry's letter in front of him.

'As you wish Home Secretary.' said Harry, as without another word he promptly walked from his office.

Not unexpectedly after the previous evening's indulgence, Harry had a blinding headache and the last thing he wanted to do was go into Thames House and onto the grid. He knew full well that he was kidding himself that his decision to resign was because of Ros's death or Blake's betrayal, when the overriding factor was the impossible situation that he now found himself in with Ruth. He hadn't seen her for two days, he certainly hadn't spoken to her and if truth be known, he just didn't know how he would re act when he saw her again.

Tariq of course was completely unaware of the fact that the grid was just about to be turned into an emotional minefield. Ruth had been quieter than usual he had noticed although he assumed that that was probably due to the fact that Ros had only recently been killed. They were currently huddled round her computer assessing the mountains of intel that was coming in from GCHQ, when the pods whooshed open and the reason for Ruth's current turmoil walked in. Harry in a bad mood wasn't unusual, especially when he had been to a meeting at the Home Office although today it appeared it went far beyond that, as without a word he nodded in their direction and went straight into his office.

Five minutes later he emerged again and headed for the kitchen, presumably to make a drink, which was unusual thought Tariq because it was always Ruth who took him his first cup of coffee. Ruth had shifted awkwardly in her seat when Harry appeared, as though she were trying to avoid him. Fighting the urge to be anywhere but on the grid, he looked at his watch to see that it was still half an hour before he could justify going out in search of a sandwich.


	2. Chapter 2

Quite how she had got through the day Ruth didn't know, as message after message filtered in from Dimitri, as to the ever changing situation on the Hanover Star. Lucas had returned with Beth Bailey, who Harry appeared to know and had asked to help them. The situation had escalated to the point where lives would be put at risk, when they discovered that the Houses of Parliament was the intended target. For most of that time she had either stood or sat in Harry's office as he had pinched the bridge of his nose, held his head in his hands and then finally just before the Op required him to make an impossibly difficult decision, had dropped the bombshell that he had handed in his resignation.

Taking hold of his arm or putting her hand on his which in the past would have been her instinctive reaction was no longer appropriate, bearing in mind that she had recently rejected any sort of continued intimacy. Telling him that these were the sort of decisions that they needed him to make, implied that she spoke on behalf of the others and that she had a right to advise him what to do, which was no longer the case. Never the less, he had done as he always did and had saved the day.

The crisis averted and the phone call from the Home Secretary thanking Harry for making an incredibly difficult decision seemed to calm him, although he made no further comment other than to bid her goodnight as he exited the pods.

She felt awful, she was none the wiser as to how she was supposed to behave with him and more than that, she was missing the closeness that until recently they had enjoyed. Telling him that they couldn't be closer than they were now had been a monumentally stupid thing to do, especially as he had now told her that he was going to leave MI5 and would be gone from her life for ever. Closing down her computer and tidying her desk, she grabbed her coat, scarf and bag and headed out into the cold winter night. Knowing that to go home would result in another restless night and with no answer to her questions, she plucked up all the courage she had, hailed a taxi and gave the driver Harry's address.

Harry had no inclination to get drunk again, he was only just beginning to feel less jaded after the previous night's session, but by the same token he didn't want to go home. He had momentarily thought about heading up to the roof in the hope that Ruth might join him, but where would that lead other than to heap further misery on both of them. As he headed through the door of Thames House, it crossed his mind that in a few weeks' time, just as Malcolm and Tom Quinn once had he too would be heading out into the real world. He had told Tom that he envied him which at that stage in his career perhaps he had, but what would he do now. Apart from Catherine who kept in touch from time to time, he had no one. He had had such hopes that he and Ruth had a future together, but she had made it abundantly clear that her feelings for him went no further than that of a friend or maybe just a colleague. Feeling utterly alone, he headed towards the river and to the one place that he knew would always be theirs.

Arriving at Harry's house and finding it in complete darkness, Ruth was at a loss as to what to do. He had left Thames House at least half an hour before she had and she had assumed that he would go straight home, in which case he should be here by now. She knew how tired and defeated he had looked all day so surely he wouldn't have gone to some bar or other in search of a drink or worse still a woman. Wishing she had the courage to ring him, she decided that she would give him half an hour before she called in the cavalry whoever that might be, maybe Malcolm or Catherine would know where he was. The temperature was dropping and she was losing the feeling in her feet as she stamped from one to the other at the same time hugging her arms tight around her middle. Needing to take shelter from the biting wind and snow that had started to fall she opened his gate, walked down the path and tucked herself into the corner of his porch.

The river offered him no solace as he stood on the bridge and gazed into the unforgiving water. He was hungry, he was tired and he needed Ruth, no he wanted her and he was going to tell her and to hell with the consequences. He had all or nothing to lose depending on her answer, either way he had to know. It wasn't something that he could do over the phone, he needed to go home, shower and change and then he would go round and see her. She would be home by now he thought as he turned on his heels and headed back to the road in search of a taxi.

The half hour deadline that Ruth had set herself had long gone and her will to live was rapidly following. She pulled her collar higher around her neck, stamped her feet which she could barely feel and banged her now frozen hands together in an effort to feel her fingers. Frostbite was something which up until now she had never considered or for that matter the possibility that if she were to die, that it would be in Harry's front porch. Getting close to the hysterical stage where she didn't know whether she wanted to laugh or cry, she wondered what he would do if he came home and whether he would be cross to find her here.

By the time the taxi pulled up outside his house, the snow was falling more heavily and the pavement was already slippery. Having paid the taxi driver, he opened his gate and walked down the path to his door. Unable to believe his eyes and with an overwhelming sense of relief and then concern he saw Ruth, frozen to the bone and trembling from head to foot.


	3. Chapter 3

Momentarily speechless, Harry quickly assessed the situation in front of him, opened his front door and helped Ruth inside.

'Christ, you look cold.' hadn't quite cut it where Ruth was concerned. Her teeth had stopped chattering but she was now in pain as her various extremities began to thaw and she wondered if she was dripping onto his floor. Harry divested her of her coat, rubbed her frozen hands and feet and was currently in the kitchen making tea while she cuddled up with a hot water bottle and Scarlet on his sofa. It put a whole new slant on breaking the ice as the usually reticent Harry, had without any thought at all been very hands on. She'd never pictured him owning a hot water bottle either but he'd produced one in a flash.

He meanwhile was trying to fathom out why on earth she had come to see him and if it wasn't to deliver more bad news whether he could persuade her to stay for dinner. Having not eaten the previous evening he was starving although it would have to be a takeaway, he had nothing in his fridge.

Now in the sitting room, he passed her a mug of tea and then lent forward to tickle Scarlet behind the ear. For a moment she closed her eyes and wondered if she was about to get the same treatment, but when she opened them again Harry was back in his armchair and drinking his tea.

'Are you feeling warmer?' He asked, which he knew was a stupid question because of course she was. He just didn't want to delve into the realms of uncertainty that would arise if he were to ask her why she was here. She had looked so pale when he had found her whereas now that the colour had started to return to her cheeks and cuddled up next to Scarlet, she looked lovely and more relaxed than she had been for days. He on the other hand was far from relaxed.

'Are you hungry?' he tried, 'I'm afraid I've got nothing in, but we could share a takeaway if you like.'

'Yes Harry,' she said finally, although he had no idea as to which of his questions she was saying yes, he just hoped that it was both, and more importantly the latter.

Getting up from his chair, he beetled back into the kitchen in search of some menus. He normally rang his preferred restaurant and they delivered his usual, but he had no idea as what Ruth ate, so came back with a selection. He just prayed she wouldn't ask him to choose.

In the end, they settled on a Thai and managed to agree as to what they both wanted. It would be delivered in half an hour, which gave him ample time to go up and change and then lay the table in the kitchen. Whether or not he should open a bottle of wine was the next question on his mind, but he had half an hour to spare before he needed to ask that one.

With Harry now out of the way, Ruth was taking in her surroundings which were almost minimalist and so unlike the chaos of her own house. She knew that Harry spent little time at home, so perhaps that was why everything was so tidy. It's functional, she thought to herself as she imagined him sitting here alone either reading or listening to music. It was crazy to have known someone for so long and know nothing about their life away from work. Had she said yes to him, she might well have been living here all the time which had her wondering about the rest of the house and the room that he was now in, probably getting undressed.

Lost in her thoughts, the man in question popped his head round the door and announced that dinner was served.

With their meal in front of them, they were sitting either side of a dining table for the first time since their one and only dinner date all those years ago. Harry had poured her a second glass of wine and she was certainly feeling warmer if not totally relaxed. Harry had been gentle, sweet even without the awkwardness that they usually had when their conversations veered away from anything other than work. Her decision to tell him that in part she had changed her mind had seemed so easy when she had left Thames House, but she was beginning to have doubts and perhaps she had misread the signs. If he had accepted her refusal, perhaps he really did want to move on. He had after all handed in his resignation which would mean that there could be little or possibly no further contact between them.

Dragged from her thoughts by Harry offering to fill her glass again, she nodded aimlessly as she felt for a second time that she was about to cry.

'Let's take this next door,' said Harry indicating at what was left in the second bottle of wine.

The conversation or at least his side of it which had been going round and round in his head ever since he had been standing by the river seemed more appropriate now. The fact that she had turned up at his house in what was appalling weather, was he hoped a positive not negative sign. Besides which, the snow was still falling heavily and there was every chance that she would have to stay the night. Best not think about that right now he thought or he would forget what he needed to say.

The sitting room was warm, cosy and so quiet that you could hear a pin drop. The usual traffic that would have passed at that time of night was at a standstill such was the depth of the snow as a few brave souls trudged home with the prospect of a weekend indoors. Had either he or Ruth planned this scenario, then it would quite likely have been the one that they now found themselves in. As it was, Mother Nature had stepped in and for better or worse there was nowhere for either of them to go.

Whether she minded or not and taking a deep breath, Harry rejected his armchair, now occupied by Scarlet and sat down on the sofa next to Ruth.

'Shush,' he said in almost a whisper as he put his finger to her lips. 'Just hear me out and then whatever it is I'll accept your decision.'

Believing that this was make or break as far as he and Ruth were concerned and crippled with guilt about the pain and suffering that he had inflicted on this gentle soul, he took both her hands in his and started to speak.


	4. Chapter 4

'There are so many things which I regret,' he said, 'but of one thing I am certain, that were I given the chance again, I would still ask you to marry me. I know I messed it up, but that's me as you know only too well. I am fully aware of the dreadful pain that I caused you when I ignored Mani and he killed George although I would however have found a way to save Nico or that is what I told myself at the time. I know how much you miss them and that despite you telling me that it wasn't my fault, I destroyed your one chance of happiness and then dragged you back into my messy little world.'

He paused and held her hands even tighter as though they were a lifeline, which of course for him they were. Closing his eyes, please don't get this wrong he told himself.

'I am truly sorry, for everything really but never for the fact that I met and fell in love with you. It overwhelms me to the point that I can barely think, let alone sleep, and until now I didn't believe it possible to want and love someone as much as I love you.'

He knew that he looked and sounded needy but he no longer cared. He had laid himself open to rejection and if that was what she wanted, then he had to let her go. Struggling for breath, he finished what had always planned to say, to give Ruth a way out should she want one. It would be crass to do otherwise.

'Despite what I have said, whatever happens to me in the future is not important. What does matter is that you find a way to move forward and what I want most is for you to be happy.'

They were by far the most honest and heartfelt words that he had ever said and it had left him totally spent. Lifting both her hands to his lips, he kissed them gently before getting up from the sofa and walking to the window. He stood unseeing across the silent landscape, fighting to control the tears that were now rolling down his face.

Ruth was equally still as she tried to marshal her thoughts and think how on earth she was going to respond to what Harry had said. She had come here to tell him that she loved him and didn't want to lose him although at this stage anyway, she didn't want to marry him. Providing that they took things slowly, she wanted them to build a relationship and she certainly didn't want him to resign. He was the other half of her own broken heart and without him, she was totally lost.

She had never forgotten Mani's words when he had suggested that perhaps her relationship with Harry was outdated and akin to Brief Encounter, which of course it had been and up to now still was. Needing to put some space between them and give herself time to think, she stood up and told him that she was going to make some tea.

By the time Ruth returned to the sitting room, Harry had resumed his seat on the sofa. He looked totally defeated, so different from the man who not two hours ago had rubbed her feet and thrust a hot water bottle into her hands. Scarlet was cuddled into his side and she could see quite clearly the tear tracks on his face. It was not something that she had seen since the day Ros had berated him after Havensworth, and just as it had then, it tore at her heart strings.

For some reason though, it made her feel stronger and able to take control of the situation, so putting their two mugs of tea on the table between them, she sat down in his armchair and took a deep breath.

'Harry, look at me please.' she said with more bravado than she actually felt. 'Before I say anything else or your overactive imagination spirals further into the abyss, I need you to know that I love you.'

She answered the question that he had asked her on that dreadful day in the warehouse when Mani had left them alone, that despite feeling safe and for most of the time happy when she had been with George, that she had never loved him. That she had tried but failed to accept the fact that she would never see him again and how her first question to Malcolm was to ask asked him, how he was. She missed Nico and she imagined that she always would, but given the chance to turn the clock back she wouldn't do so, she was where she wanted to be and that it was with him.

Returning to the here and now she ploughed on.

'I can't marry you Harry, well at least not now, but I don't want to lose you and I certainly don't want you to resign. I need us to take this slowly but as I've waited more than three years since the last time, I'd quite like you to kiss me.

Harry was smiling, in fact he had been smiling since the moment that she had said that she loved him. She had always been the strong one his guiding light was the best way to describe her. If she wanted to take things slowly then that was exactly what he would do, providing that her idea of slowly didn't take them into the next Millennium. Big steps and little ones had been his Mum's motto and it had served her well. He and Ruth had taken a big step today as they had finally offloaded the turmoil and pain that had for so long kept them apart. She had told him that she loved him and with two more days before they had to go back to work, there was plenty more time to talk.

Add that to the fact that when he had last looked out of the window it was still snowing, who knows he thought.

For what felt like an eternity to Harry, they sat there like a couple of idiots just grinning at each other.

'If you want that kiss, you had better come here.' he said patting the sofa for her to come and join him.

The speed with which she moved surprised him, given that she had just told him that he needed to take things slowly, as in the blink of an eye she was sitting next to him with her hands on his thighs. 'Well?' she asked.

Epilogue to follow.


	5. Chapter 5

Epilogue.

It was a kiss without passion. It was difficult to kiss someone when you were laughing and trying not to cry, such was the overwhelming feeling that had engulfed them. That wasn't to say that after they had washed up and made another pot of tea that Harry didn't succeed in ramping up the tempo. Slowly she may have said and slowly she would get, but sitting on the sofa with the woman he had loved for so long in his arms, there was a limit to his self-control.

Ruth in turn, was wondering why the hell she had resisted the temptation for so long and was hoping and praying that Harry would have forgotten her desire to take things slowly. She had always thought that he would have been a good kisser, you couldn't possibly have lips like his and not be and she had spent more than enough time gazing at them. Imagination was one thing the reality was quite another as she clung to his back with the real fear that she might black out.

Had his phone not rung, who knows what would have happened next although in both their minds they were pretty sure that they would have been taking this upstairs.

'Yes,' barked Harry, 'if this isn't you ringing to tell me that we have a national emergency,' followed by ' oh good evening Malcolm, what can I do for you?' had Ruth in a fit of giggles.

'Sorry, are you busy?' was the understatement of the year thought Harry as Malcolm rattled on about the long awaited Ashes Tour dates and asked if he would like him to book tickets.

'It's January Malcolm, can I ring you back tomorrow because at the moment yes I am busy and I'm hoping for an early night.' had Ruth raising her eyebrows, although mightily pleased that Harry had ignored her request for restraint and that his mind appeared to be on the same track as hers.

'Well you can't blame me for trying,' he said, fully aware that despite Ruth trying to appear shocked, she was showing every indication that she wanted him as much as he did her, 'but if you still want to take this slowly you only have to say the word,' he added, with the most gorgeous come to bed eyes she had ever seen.

'Um,' was all she managed, as his lips crashed back down on hers.

Two hours later, with Harry sleeping peacefully beside her and she tucked protectively into his side, she was determined to commit to memory every moment since he had lifted the duvet and she had climbed into his bed. If rumours were correct, then everything that he had said and done could have been practiced and honed to perfection with heaven knows how many women, but she believed not. Besides which the past was just that, it was the future that mattered. From the moment that she had gone into exile until she came back he had quietly withdrawn, Malcolm and Jo had both told her that and he had certainly aged beyond his years in the time that she had been away.

He had made love to her with such gentleness, making sure that she was comfortable with what was happening. It was not something that he wanted to be forgotten in the morning, this was their future and it needed to be right for her more than anything, he had said. Corny lines or cheesy words it mattered not, it was Harry that had said them and it was Harry who had finally shown her how much he loved her. That they had wasted so many years made her feel sad, but reminding herself of her resolution to put the past behind her and to look to a future that included Harry, she finally joined him in sleep.

Harry woke up a little later than he usually did, although still far too early for most mortals. The face that he loved more than anything else in the world was still nestled into his shoulder. He breathed her in, indulging himself for as long as he could until his bladder forced him to go to the bathroom and then downstairs to make his customary first cup of coffee. It was still only 7am and he wanted to be there when Ruth woke up, another fantasy that had been with him for so long, he couldn't remember when it had first started. Carrying both his coffee and a cup of tea for her, he climbed back up the stairs and slipped into bed beside her.

Ruth had felt Harry get up and had heard the toilet flush. She guessed that he had probably gone down to the kitchen as she lay there hoping that he would come back. Hearing the door open and the clink of two cups as he put them down, she kept her eyes closed intrigued as to what he would do. Feeling the bed dip beside her she made strenuous efforts to keep her breathing even. She knew that he was close to her she could feel his breathe ghosting across her face, as his hand snaked around her waist and he edged closer. As his body moulded with hers, she felt a highly erotic sensation course through and unable to control the urge to touch him any longer she moaned quietly as if waking up and arched her body to meet his. It was all the invitation that he needed as the day began as the last one had ended.

'I think your tea's probably cold,' he said as he gazed into her eyes, a broad smile on his face, 'give me a moment and I'll go and make you another one.'

Fifteen minutes later when Harry returned to the bedroom with a tray of toast and tea, Ruth had opened the curtains and was gazing out over the snow filled landscape.

'I could get used to this,' she said looking him up and down as he handed her a mug of tea.

Had you told her twenty four hours earlier that she would be sitting here in Harry's bed whilst he served her breakfast dressed in nothing but his dressing gown, she would probably have run a mile, whereas now wild horses wouldn't drag her away.

They both had the weekend off, so unless there was a red call they would have two full days together. If they had to go onto the grid so be it, whether it was in the next couple of days or on Monday they would arrive together.

Besides which Harry had plans and even if it was the one thousand and first time, he fully intended to get his timing right.

A Very Happy (and fiction filled) New Year to one and all.


End file.
